We’ve all heard it before: Cultivate gratitude, and abundance will follow. Visualise your desires, and the universe will deliver. Popular self-help philosophies, like those in The Secret, sell us this dream of effortless positivity. Just think good thoughts and voilà—life transforms into a glittering reel of success, wealth, and happiness.
Except, it’s not that simple.
For many, especially those grappling with genuine hardship, this relentless push for positivity feels dismissive, even cruel. When the promised abundance doesn’t show up, the blame falls squarely on our shoulders: “You didn’t believe hard enough. You weren’t grateful enough. It’s your fault.” The result? A vicious cycle of self-criticism, shame, and unmet expectations.
When Gratitude Becomes a Burden
I’ve felt this firsthand. There was a time when I was completely obsessed with trying to maintain perfect thoughts. I’d wake up determined to think only positive things and journal my gratitude for everything from the sunshine to my favourite mug of coffee. But the moment a negative thought slipped in—annoyance, self-doubt, frustration—it was like my whole effort came crashing down.
It reminded me of trying to lose weight. You become so hyper-focused on the numbers, the measurements, and every single calorie you put in your mouth that it becomes unbearable. Eventually, you crack under the pressure and have a “breakout” moment—whether it’s a binge on snacks or, in my case, a meltdown over not being able to stay perfectly positive. The harder I tried to control my thoughts, the more annoyed I became with myself for failing.
This fixation didn’t just add to my frustration; it also magnified my guilt. Why couldn’t I just think the “right” thoughts? Why did it feel so hard to be grateful? The pressure to constantly monitor my mind was exhausting, and instead of abundance, all I was left with was a swirling mess of self-doubt.
The Half-Truths of The Secret
This obsession with perfect thoughts stems from the kind of message sold by The Secret. The book painted a dazzling picture: visualise success, and the universe will hand it to you on a silver platter. And, to be fair, it did deliver…for the author. Millions of book sales later, they were thriving. But for the rest of us? We’re still sitting here with our vision boards, and mailing ourselves six-figure cheques, wondering why all we’ve manifested are overdue bills and uncooperative Wi-Fi.
Here’s the thing: The Secret wasn’t entirely wrong—it just told only half the story. Positive thinking can shift your mindset and open you up to possibilities, but it’s not the whole picture. Manifestation isn’t about sitting in a bubble of positivity and pretending life’s challenges don’t exist. It’s about working with the universe through clarity, action, and trust—not just plastering over pain with a fake smile.
Big People Have Big Feelings
Let me also say this: big people have big feelings. And by “big,” I don’t mean size—I mean capacity. If you’re naturally empathetic, sensitive, or deeply connected to the world around you, you feel things on a deeper level. That’s a gift, but it can also make the pressure to stay positive even heavier.
When you’re someone who absorbs the emotions of others or overthinks every situation, the demand to always project gratitude can feel suffocating. It’s not that you don’t appreciate the good in your life—you do—but forcing yourself to ignore or suppress those big feelings only adds to the load.
The Explosion of Suppressed Feelings
When we suppress negative emotions—frustration, grief, anger—they don’t just vanish. They fester, growing louder and heavier until they eventually burst. I’ve been there.
After weeks of trying to stay “perfectly grateful,” the smallest thing—a spilled drink, a missed deadline—would send me into a full-blown eruption. It wasn’t the drink or the deadline, of course. It was all the bottled-up annoyance, the unspoken grief, the unmet desires I’d tried to shove down in the name of positivity. And the fallout? Apologies to loved ones, regret for my outburst, and a lingering sense of, Why can’t I get it together?
We’re human. We can’t be perpetually grateful or cheerful, just as the weather can’t stay sunny forever. The truth is, unchecked anger and grief can lead to anxiety and depression, just as the constant pressure to “stay positive” can.
The Universe: A Partner, Not a Genie
Here’s where The Secret missed the mark: the universe isn’t a magical vending machine where you insert positivity and out pops abundance. It’s more like a dance partner, moving in rhythm with your energy, intentions, and actions. When we work with the universe—setting clear intentions, taking small steps forward, and trusting the process—opportunities naturally align.
The trouble starts when we expect the universe to bypass our humanity. Real manifestation requires balance:
- The courage to face hard emotions.
- The wisdom to take inspired action.
- The patience to trust in divine timing.
Healthy Ways to Navigate Gratitude and Emotions
So, how do we break free from the gratitude trap without throwing the idea of positivity out the window? It starts with honoring all our feelings—good, bad, and in between. Here’s how:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Instead of forcing gratitude, allow yourself to name what you’re feeling. For example:
- “I’m frustrated because I feel stuck.”
- “I’m grieving this loss, and it’s okay to feel sad.”
Dr. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, emphasizes the importance of accepting emotions without judgment. It’s not about fixing your feelings; it’s about making space for them.
2. Take Action—Even Small Steps
Manifestation works best when paired with inspired action. Whether it’s updating your resume, start a savings plan, starting a creative project, or reaching out to someone you admire, small steps signal to the universe that you’re ready to move forward.
3. Find Healthy Outlets for Big Emotions
Big feelings often need physical release. Try:
- Dancing to loud music.
- Chopping vegetables with vigour.
- Screaming into a pillow (or singing if you prefer a more melodious outburst).
Sometimes, a long walk or an intense workout can help you process emotions without words.
4. Cultivate Gratitude Authentically
Gratitude isn’t about perfection; it’s about presence. Start small:
- What made you smile today?
- What brought you peace, even for a moment?
Beyond Forced Positivity: A Balanced Approach
The real secret to abundance lies not in forcing gratitude or denying hardship but in embracing the full spectrum of life. By honouring our emotions, taking inspired action, and working in harmony with the universe, we create space for authentic growth and joy.
So, to all the big feelers out there: your emotions are valid. Your journey is your own. And the universe? It’s not judging you—it’s cheering you on.
What About You?
Have you struggled with forced positivity or found The Secret to be only part of the story? What’s your go-to way of working with the universe? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and let’s embrace the messiness of life together.
